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Expecting Joy — Part IV

Expecting Joy is a series about my journey to motherhood.
Part I / Part II / Part III / Part IV

So we kept “not trying, not preventing.”

Despite my hormone issues, I was determined not to become uptight about things like one of those crazy ladies in the movies, shoving her husband into the bedroom on ovulation day like it was a business deal. We were happy together, just the two of us, and still ambivalent on the whole kids thing. We felt like we could go either way.

That’s why I didn’t want to call it trying. That seemed too official. We were just seeing how things went, after all. I wasn’t going to go out of my way to make things happen. If we happened to have an argument on the wrong day that month, well then, I guess no baby that month.

(Somehow I always made sure we never had arguments on the wrong days.)

Even at the time, I realized that this approach didn’t make a whole lot of sense. On the one hand, I was tracking my hormones “for health purposes” and just in case we wanted to have a baby, which I was still very hesitant about and certainly not going to go out of my way to make happen. On the other hand, I felt inexplicably sad every time it didn’t.

Deep down, I knew there was no such thing as seeing how things go with PCOS, especially in today’s modern age. Either you’re trying to have a kid or you’re not.

As the months wore on, this only became more apparent.

In fact, the diagnosis that had initially seemed like such a convenient way to relieve ourselves of the impossible “Should we? Shouldn’t we?” question and just let things go, in reality, only made it more of a formal, black-and-white decision.

See, in all my months of tracking my hormones, I had realized that my natural cycles were never going to make a baby. It didn’t matter how many supplements and green smoothies I added to my diet: My body ovulated too late for me to conceive naturally. It was science. To ignore it and pretend that anything could happen was the same as choosing not to have kids at all.

There was a pill that solved this exact problem, a medicine my doctor had offered me quite matter-of-factly the day I had my hormone levels tested. But I wasn’t ready to take that step yet, to officially enter the realm of Trying to Have Kids. Also, I didn’t want to take anything unnatural. I was kind of hoping I could somehow heal my hormones naturally, then just become pregnant by surprise and be ready to accept it joyfully when it happened.

This plan, as I said, didn’t make much sense. It also did not appear to be working.

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